A Rant

Honestly i don't know where to begin and where to stop. Since 2022 ends tomorrow i guess i'm just letting it out here.

Out of my entire 22 years, i guess this might have been the worst year of my life and it didn't help the fact that it was my final year and when the year began i was only few months away from finishing my LLB. Maybe i should have known that this year was going to be bad considering my family was dragging problems and even now they haven't solved anything.

There were more downs and than ups and i felt my lowest this year, but the thing was no matter how much things were getting bad, i just couldn't tell anyone. I desperately wanted to but somehow when i try i realised i couldn't get words out of my mouth.

This year, one of my closest friends since i knew from around grade six, blocked me from all the social media. Technically she blocked me from her entire life. We had our fair share of problems, which i'm not going to start typing here, but she was the closest to being my best friend, a concept that i gave up believing long time ago. When she blocked i did lost it for a while and cried about it, of course to myself as usual. Am i ok with this now? I don't think so.

That's not the start of the problems. The major problem is my parents. When we went back home March, i dragged applying for visa again because i knew the moment we come back all hell is gonna break loose and keeping my mom and dad in two countries was the best option, even if that meant getting my mom's wrath which was beginning to be a daily thing most of the time. But in the end I couldn't drag it and we had to come back here and by then i had finished two of my final subjects and had only two more to go.

But what i dread was right and the moment we stepped in, not even ten minutes into the house my parents started it and i regretted listening to them and applying for visa. It was hard, they would fight and then my dad would go to office and then i was the punch bag of my mom, because my brother's away and i'm the only one here. I was blamed and she told me all my relatives blame me too for not speaking up. But i didn't knew to speak about what and i didn't want to pick a side. I wanted to be neutral and let them solve their own problems. Somedays it was shape and i could handle it as far as i didn't think about it but the more it went on continuously for several days i lose it.

I keep telling myself that all i had to do was let my mom talk and i won't talk back because then she would talk and stop. But somedays it was too much and i talk back and she would talk more. For her i'm this exact replica of my father and i wonder whether she forgot that i'm her daughter not her husband. she would always say don't be like your father, your the same, your going on the same path and what not. Me and my mom never had a good relationship, She's obviously more closer to my brother and i am closer to my dad, but for a long time as my dad's working abroad i only lived with my brother and my mom. So now whenever my brother scolds her regarding the mess, she would blame me for not telling my brother the truth and for breaking this family apart. She went so far as to say that i'm destroying her relationship with my brother. and at that point all i could ask myself was then what about me? was she blaming me because my brother was mad at her? Didn't i matter? What about her relationship with me which was already strained but now it's non-existent?

When i finally got my results, i got a second class lower and missed a second class upper by just one mark. But i was happy because i passed and three years of my hard work paid off. But when you miss one thing by just one mark, you won't just forget it and i didn't and i still think, i only needed one mark. But that day, when i called my dad to tell him, he said something that made my mom angry and she blamed me for not saying anything back to my dad. she was pissed off and i won't beyond hurt. I wanted to be happy like all my friends were for finishing a law degree, but there i was silently crying when i mom went to bed. That day all i wanted was to hear how proud they are of me but, i've yet to hear those words. For me, before my exams i would think maybe that i should just purposely fail my exams just to make my parents understand how much i'm suffering and i even made plans to fail and on that results day, all i could think was why the hell i didn't fail. I've my graduation coming up on february and we are supposed to go back home before going to aussie but i'm dreading it because i don't want to take my parents to my graduation and put a shit show that we are this big fat happy family. yes they paid for everything but i don't want to take them because i know something will happen and they would fight before the grad or after the grad. i don't want to take them because if i saw them there all i will be able to think was how much i hated doing my degree and how much i suffered because of their constant fights and not caring that they have a final year law student under the same roof.

Even now things are not good and well i'm still getting blamed sometimes shape sometimes not good. These days i'm not good and i have no desire to talk with anyone because i know i wouldn't sound sincere no matter how much i try. Now that i won't be around with my parents after Feb, i'm too worried about what they will end up doing because although some days its shape, sometimes things escalate pretty badly. Without me being here i don't know what will happen and i feel guilty because if something happen, all i will be thinking will be why couldn't i stay there and i only had to just keep myself quiet. Now that the new year is closer i keep worrying about these and although i'm happy that i will finally be able to get out of this shit hole, a major part of me is scared and insecure about my future, and the family i would create one day. These days whenever i imagine myself creating my own family, all i could think is that i'm better off single rather than getting married. And maybe, like everyone says i am indeed a bad daughter.

talking about my family stuff makes me remember a quote Sally Rooney wrote in Marianne's POV, but i can't find the quote but it relates to something along the lines of how she feels guilty that she's exaggerating but at the same time guilty of not saying the truth about her mess of a family.

Am i looking forward to 2023? I don't know honestly but these days i find myself telling myself not to do anything stupid that i will regret.

Anyways i will be deleting this post soon considering i don't usually feel ok with opening up like this even i know no one will read.