Currently Reading/ Just Ranting

Ok I finally started reading after finishing The Love Hypothesis and so far i've been dragging my reading. The Night Circus is this story about two magicians practically competing with each other and the venue is the circus. The plot seems to be alternating between 1800's and 1900's, which I assume to be past and present in the story.

The problem lies not with the book and I do find the plot new and interesting because it's definitely not something I've tried reading before, and if you told me to read this or rather buy this book few years ago, i would've bluntly refused! I've been dragging the reading for past few days and only yesterday I passed 100pgs. I do want to finish the book and start a new one and I definitely don't want to DNF the novel because I don't feel like I can't read it anymore or I don't like it.

For me it's my mood and my parents aren't making it easy for me. I'm just tired. Like just so tired and I want to leave. I'm a family person but now I would do anything to get away from my parents. I'm jealous of my brother a lot more than ever. He's in aussie and he can easily make up an excuse and end the call when my parents start fighting but I don't have the luxury. I have to constantly keep listening to their fights and my mother's blaming on me when my dad goes to work on weekdays. It's suffocating me and as much as I try to not think about it or not care about it, sometimes it's just hard and I feel like i'm drowning and can't swim to save myself. I keep telling myself that, it's ok and everything will be fine but my mother's constant blaming that I help to keep the fire that's breaking our family apart and that if something happens to her, i'm partially responsible for it, is not helping at all. I just want someone to tell me that it's ok to give up and that they're proud of me for holding up but who's there to tell me that. Some days I do think of hurting myself when I can't take it anymore and somedays it's worse.

Everyone thinks I don't care, but its not that. My mom thinks I hate her, but i don't, well she never believed it anyway. Now I try not to care whenever my mom misunderstands and blame me for things I clearly haven't done because I know that she won't believe me whatever I say. I'm scared that one day i'll end up just like my mom and my kids won't be able to rely on me or even talk with me properly. I really hope that in next life my mom can get daughters like my cousins to whom she's always comparing with me. I don't know what to do anymore and now I just want to get out from this place. I can't wait to go abroad even if it means staying with my brother, because it would be better than staying in this hell!